A Forgiveness Matrix

Here’s my forgiveness template, its purpose is simple: I desire to drop all “magic words because they can never free me of the poison of unresolved hurt (inflicted by myself or others). I want to live out God's love to others. It starts with me. Friendship, love, trust, and forgiveness are never defined by a single event (It takes thousands of pixels to make a beautiful picture.) rather by the fabric, process, of living out our dreams, desires, and true beliefs. Time builds trust. It's all our experiences together that grows lasting friendships: the same is true of forgiveness.

Here’s my suggestion: use this matrix to first forgive yourself. List all the harm and the effects you’ve suffered from not forgiven yourself –then accept God’s perspective, His crazy-beyond-reasonable love for you ! You will then find free to live out this new love to others. It’s all about accepting the free gift of love.

This forgiveness is made up of what my friend, pastor John Bishop, calls the 3 D’s of forgiveness: Discover, Define, and then Dispose. Here are the elements that I use to walk, sometimes crawl; through forgiveness (I just used this template last week – then yesterday, who should I bump into but a person who wounded Laura and I very deeply some four years ago. The person who hurt us smiled, then approached us. They reached out and hugged us as if we were long lost friends. I won’t go into some of the mixed emotions we experienced, but I am so glad that I had just worked through this issue using this 3-D tool. Here it is:

DISCOVER

1. Make a list of the Harm experienced: Betrayal, abandonment, insensitivity, selfish acts, hurtful words,, looks of rejection, contempt (Do this for all the failures, loses, and un-forgiven areas of your life.). Write, think, pray, until you have listed as much as you can remember in one sitting.

DEFINE

2. Write out the Lingering Effects: List the side-effects, the lasting tinges of guilt, the tendency to be afraid, crave safety, unsureness about yourself. Jot down any addictions, habits, fakeness, numbing of emotions, critical view of life and others . . . list all the ways your heart was broken –and the relationships you’ve struggled with as a result of not forgiving yourself! Note: these first two steps are painful but so valuable –unless we face the harm done in our lives we will naturally tend to discount our pain think ignoring or dismissing it will make it go away. Some of the greatest injury comes from the unresolved poison of past hurts that have been covered up, but never destroyed.

DISPOSE

3. I Won’t lug it around anymore: Letting go of our past failures is very feasible when you’ve put in the hard work of the first two steps. You are now ready share your pain with God by handing it over to Him.. Our perspective determines our expectations. We expect less when we view ourselves as less! Expect God listen as you share the reality of your past pain. Sharing this with God is part of the “process” –put in the hard work in steps one and two and you will find freedom in talking this out with God. I find it to be a huge benefit in taking my list and physically destroying it (burn it, shred it, or flush it)! My favorite disposal technique is the paper shredder. I love the sound! As you are annihilating it, sing out a pray of thankfulness for the freedom that is on it’s way. Don’t worry about whether you may need to repeat this process again (For time to time I find a bit of residual poison and use this tool (gift) to become more conscious of God’s love and acceptance.)

LOVE OUT

4. Review your boundaries: The placement of this step is very important. Often we have used the idea of “boundaries” as a kind of pop-psychology tool to simply push others away or simply feed our own selfishness. Healthy boundaries are ways of reinforcing our uniqueness and that of others too. For example, one my boundaries are that I don’t want to eat “delightful” foods alone (NY Cheesecake). I choose to use these kinds of food to celebrate and add to my friendship with others. When I eat “great food” alone I find I’m often trying to cover up some disappointment or unfair experience. By using this boundary I keep growing in my awareness that I’m Ok no matter what circumstances come my way –good or bad. Try listing some ways you can reinforce the truth that you are one of God’s beautiful kids – so loved, so wonderfully created in His image (Psalm 139). Boundaries are good –like skin, or a picture frame, they are to add to the reality that You are amazing work of art –created to love and grow friendships forever.

5. There is no longer any debt: You are now ready to consciously, physically, forgive yourself. God has already canceled the debt –you can too! Say the words; “I no longer have any debt. God has set me free. I’m free because love and forgiveness was to me, by God, even before I was born.” This is a powerful time to read the following Bible passages (These are but a few of my favorites) –Ephesians 1:4-5; 2:1-10; Romans 5:6-10; Isaiah 44:22. God loved us because He wanted to and we had nothing to do with Him choosing to love us (like a parent loving a new born child). I forgive myself because God already forgave me. Jump up and down in your new acceptance of yourself. You are acting out what God has already said about you (I John 4).

6. Reconciliation: We are now ONE with God. Our senses are limited, but God’s perspective is so much more. We can grow in the acceptance of who we are right now –God’s kids! (Note: this is the only step that isn’t always possible when forgiving others –it’s there free choice. Some people will only be reconciled with us in heaven.)

Once you have forgiven yourself you are then ready to use this same matrix in walking through the harm others have done to you. I recommend you try this first in dealing with the pain you’ve experience with a parent. Then use it for the relationships of abandonment or abuse you’ve never though you could revisit. This matrix is simply a tool, but when used with prayer, and acted out, it can move you to think amazing levels of freedom. You will see God’s love flowing into and then out of you towards others. God will bless you on this brave new adventure. Try it soon! LIVE LOVE!