Boundaries may look a lot like a fort but they have very different motives
behind them. They are very different. River banks exist to aid the river in it's desire to go somewhere. (Do rivers really have have hopes and passions?) Forts instead, focus on safety and self-preservation. Boundaries are all about the journey - they, by nature, celebrate life. A fort has a list of people and critters they want to keep out!1. When I say, "No, that's not ok with me because it violates my personal boundary." what I sometimes mean is "No thank you, I don't want to do or allow that. Stop! I have own likes and dislikes." If that's what I'm trying to communicate then I'm not setting a boundary, I've just built a FORT. Forts don't always inhibit friendship, but far too often they do.
2. Boundaries empower! Forts selfishly "shut you out." A boundary affirms that our choices are strong and significant; they do make a big difference in life. Creating that "river bank" says I respect the fact that you and I were made in God's image - we are creative creators (made in God's image). Here's what I mean: If you scream at me, I want to affirm that you really do make a difference with your screaming. To ignore you or mentally retreat doesn't affirm your power of choice. You do make a difference in my life (not so good when you scream). By refusing to hang out in the "scream lab" with you, I'm reminding you how much free choice you have - that it really does affect our relationship. You need to be reminded of that, especially when you holler! You are strong, your choice is so powerful that I won't meet with you again until we are able to try and find some sort of "anti-scream" strategy, or at least a mutual exit plan. This boundary adds to the potential of a better friendship in the future. Just walking away and never communicating again is more of a, "I shut you out" Fort experience. It burns bridges and destroys rivers. It promotes mud!
3. Boundaries affirm future friendship possibilities. Forts are contract and conditionally driven. Just as a riverbank says, "I'm going somewhere, that's what makes me
a river", so Boundaries say, "God made you and me. God loves us both." I set these boundaries so that I can grow, even more, in my belief that God likes you a lot. But if I keep letting you slap me in the face (even a critical or contemptuous emotional slap) I will eventually find it hard to keep on believing God likes you. I will be so emotionally drained that I will lose all attraction to a future friendship with you. My motive in setting a boundary is to hopefully preserve a chance for us to move into a better friendship in the future. For example, I had a friend who was often late to appointments we had set. It was not uncommon for him to forgot al ogether. It got so bad that I never knew if he would show up when we set a time to go do something. I was beginning to feel used and not very valued by him. Setting a boundary meant I didn't hang out with him until he called me the day before and a few hours before we were to meet. I told him this was my boundary. I actually planned other stuff. I told him I wouldn't call him if he forgot. And the next time I wouldn't set a time to hang out unless he came up with some sort of new plan. He didn't like it and so we didn't hang out. I felt really bad. The great thing is that I was able to have less feelings against him emotionally and can wait for a time in his life when hanging out will actually work. I would rather still have warm feelings of wanting to be his friend than to allow the growing emotions to turn our "river" into a "mud puddle."
I'm in that "boundary negotiation" faze with one of my close relatives right now. I want to stop, listen to what God's trying to say is best for this person I love. I want to see what defined affirmations of our individual uniqueness we need to have in place. I'm not satisfied with staying in the same "Ok" friendship, but want to grow more and more and more in our friendship.
In our life group last night we read Colossians 3:9-15. When I look at what I want in boundaries I see so many parts of this passage - I want prejudices to be reduced (destroyed). In setting boundaries I want to "make allowances for others' faults" and to "forgive as Jesus forgave me." Boundaries are gifts, like the riverbanks; they make it possible for me to appreciate others even more. Verse 15 says it so well, "And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful." Letting Jesus' peace rule in my heart helps me set boundaries that add to my growing friendships.
My personal prayer boundary this week has been to stop asking God to do certain things for people before I first stop and just wait quietly. Listening and telling God I want to be in line with what HE KNOWS is best for my friend is where I want to be.
This was so helpful today as I sat in a emotionally cold county courtroom and watched a close friend go to jail. Seeing his family's pain was so hard. But knowing I could continue to give up quiet time before God, to listen, and reaffirm that God will do the best for my friend was good. It's a prayer boundary for myself and I believe it will make be a better friend.
Have a bountiful boundary-filled life!
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