One of my strange thoughts this week was that our sympathy, empathy, and concern for a friend can sometimes harm them. Friendships have boundaries (I talk about that misunderstood word in a moment).
I was sitting in my new leather recliner yesterday morning –the house is very quiet as Laura had left for a retreat at the beach. My old English-chap-friend had joined me, via a scrap book I’ve pasted full with things he wrote (things he wrote between 1914 and 1917) . . .life was real good. Then this crazy thought about my empathy hurting other crept in.
My, dead-for-90+ years ,UK friend had written more than once about this; he basically says that I can so identify with a friends hurts or even their triumphs that I miss being an even better friend. How’s that? Here’s what I think he means. It happened to me last Thursday night. I got a text message and later a phone call that landed me at the Ram’s Horn on NW 23rd. I’m there hanging out with a friend that going through a tough time. I hurt so much for what he was experiencing in his life! Afterwards, as I drove home, all I could think about was the pain that was crushing my friend. I wanted to jump in and do something . . . I was building my mental list. Friday morning I was praying for my friend when I read Oswalds words about how my empathy could get in the way of what’s even better for my friend. Here’s some of the ways I could harm my friend if I’m not engaging in boundaries (hang on and I’ll dissect this bad-boy word):
- My empathy causes me to comfort my friend in a way that keeps him from hearing something very vital God wants to share with him. Pain can make life and our choices, our values so much more clear. To rescue my friend could mean taking away that gift. I need to be more aware of this possibility.
- I could sometimes become crutch for my friend when what he needs to do the “Physical therapy” of examining what’s in the way of a deeper, more meaningful life God intended.
- It’s not to far-out to say that I can, unknowingly, become a drug or medication for some painful, but necessary, choice my friend needs make. Healing and freedom require us to go “cold turkey” from the thoughts and/or things that we use to numb our fear of rejection, abandonment, or bitterness.
I’m human (wow, what a concept) and I’m too limited to just rely on the human sympathy that natural roars to the surface when I see someone I love in pain. Great friendships require a bigger team than Me, Myself, and I! I need and want God to be IN me so that I hold up, cheer on, and build up my friends in the best way. I needed to talk with God more about how best to support my friend (Ok, it’s time to deal with that 80’s Blue-light Special word, “boundaries.”).
Everyone’s heard the words “enabler” and “co-dependent.” Used. Great friendships always have BOUNDARIES. In fact the healthiest forms of forgiveness spend time reviewing or renewing boundaries.
Boundaries are clear definitive reminders of our uniqueness. My skin reminds me that there is “Me-Stuff” just for me, underneath. I hate it when a sharp object tries to remove part of me from beneath my skin (That Toyota truck that hit me two years ago when I was on my bicycle!) I hope to blog tomorrow on how to tell if your building a “Boundary” or a “Fort.” Forts are all about protection and keeping certain kinds of people out. They don’t help friendships. Anyway here’s my illustration/definition of a boundary (hopefully it will add value to your friendships).
Boundaries are like “Banks” for a river. No boundaries and you’ve got a mud puddle. River banks help define and add direction (very helpful in any great relationship). Mud puddles (no banks) have little direction or purpose and they won’t take you where a river can.
A rivers existence means that there are boundaries. Banks are clear entry points into the river, they encourage growth; a journey somewhere, the introduction to the adventure! No boundaries, no banks, and instead of going somewhere you are left in a swamp or giant mud puddle (having mud fights over and over is not that much fun . . . swamps also bread mosquitoes)
Sorry, I just ran out of time . . . will finish my thoughts tonight or tomorrow . . . sorry . . . Promise (I hope)!
3 comments:
Excellent Blog, Bruce, as usual. Particularly for someone like me who has suffered and (barely)survived some devastating evil adventures over the past decade. You're right, when reaching out to friends in emotional agony (or being on the other side of the agony ocean)it's a very ultra fine line between unconditional empathy/encouragement and unconscious enabling. One of my favorite movie quotes comes from "The Natural" when Iris and Roy are reunited after years have passed and Roy has squandered so much. "I believe we are born with two lives", say Iris. "One we learn with and one we live with". Your blog speaks to the struggle of how to communicate to the sad soul that need to learn the lessons of their personal apocalypse and help them balance that with the desire to go on living with the future while possessing the knowledge of the past. It's a high wire act as a friend and professional caregiver and sometimes you must feel like you're working without a net.
Of course, as I said, the last decade has given me a different perspective of how that care is received and perceived by the mentally and physically drowning. "Lesson Learning" is one person's tough love which leads to greater growth while another might see it as just more, possibly final, betrayal and rejection and withdraw further into the abyss. Especially from someone he depends upon and trusts so much. One person appreciates the boundries, another simply stops asking for help. It's a scary game of emotional chicken at times. It's a good thing they pay you the big money to work with those of us who need so much but sometimes think so little.
I'll go back to the drowning man. Do you toss him the lifeline immediately or do you let him struggle just a bit to strengthen his legs and impress upon him the importance of not foolishly leaning so far over the rail of the boat every time another school of shiny fish swim by? Even when you run the risk of him just giving up, stopping his frantic flailing and suddenly and silently slipping beneath the freezing waves? Never to be seen or heard from again, at least by you. Tough choices, Bruce, especially when as a pastor any love; tough, unconditional, or otherwise,that you give will inevitably be infused with religious overtones (another Pandora's Box) in the pleading/bleeding mind of the one cringing in fear and pain. But please keep making them. You will be right far more often than you're wrong...
Great stuff, Bruce. (I guess I'm here afterall...)
I don't want to build a fort - I want to maintain proper boundaries! I think that, as I go through the tough stuff in life, I learn better how to do that.
It's frustrating sometimes to wait on God's timing...I have always been a "I WANT IT NOW" kind of person - I mean, even when I was being BORN, I was in a hurry! (From start to finish, I was born in less than 5 hours, haha.)
God just keeps workin' away, though, and bringing things to my attention. Sometimes, I wish I could just be swept up to Heaven as-is.
Boundaries are like all gifts, they are worthless unless they draw you closer to the one who gave them. My struggle to know if a boundary is really moving towards a richer and more pure friendship or if it's just a way to be safe, to pull away from the "uncomfortable." I don't think I can know on my own the difference between a boundary and fort. For me, it's this continued quiet listening exercise (another gift) that keeps helping me relax and reflect (even when I don't hear or sense a directive). I too, Lisa, have a huge struggle wanting to "microwave" my life to match "my watch."
Thanks for your sharing a similar study.
King Saul - You will be passionately pursued by God, like a hound dog, and your scent can't be hid or lost . . . You are loved by God and your honest wrestling is an honest gift that will lead you back to a trustworthy friend. You don't need to believe at this point . . . I'll keep believing for you . . . You ARE a great friend!
BGA
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